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◀ Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I've never had good birthdays. And I thought that maybe this year would be better, considering I'm with someone I really love and I'm not in the hospital. But why am I up at 4am feeling like shit about everything? Everyone thinks I have an emotional problem, they think I should seek help. Half of me agrees because I was the one that brought it up to him in the first place. But that was just attention seeking of me. Because I know I can control my emotions, no matter how haywire they go and how fucked up I feel.

We're leaving Singapore in about two hours. This is the very first time I'm going out of the country (Malaysia, but still) with a boyfriend. Somehow I'm not feeling excited and I'm looking forward more to the returning. Not so much as going back to work one day after. But still.

I want a good birthday. Please give me a good birthday. For once, please give me a good birthday. I'm trying my hardest here. I don't understand why he's like that recently. I really really am so hurt. I don't know how many times I've said this but I've never felt so unwanted in my life before. I need to calm the fuck down. I need to get out of here. But not with you. At least, not now?

21 and invincible. Really? I spent August 2010 to August 2011 with this kid, which means I spent a good part of me being 21 with him. Yes we were invincible, at some point. But I guess invincibility runs out. Just like love.