◀ Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Today, I finally let go. Today, I finally decided that I've had enough. Enough of the lies, cheating, abuse, and bullshit. Enough of the heartache you constantly put me through. I have yet to shed a single tear. I think I'm still in denial about the end of our relationship even though I'm the one who ended it.
No matter how much we've been through, no matter how much we hurt each other, in my head, Linus, you'll always be the 18 year old boy in the red shirt and black skinny jeans. You'll always be my Sentosa boy; the first boy I truly cared for. I remember you holding my right hand very tightly for the first time as we walked along the beach. I remember counting down to 2008 with you, fireworks in the background as you stole my first kiss. Best first kiss a girl could ever ever have :)
Sadly, I will also always remember the day I broke up with you back in 2008. It was March 29th, I spent the rest of the evening crying over Starbucks with my then-best friend. I remember the text message I sent you after we ended things. I apologized and asked you not to hate me. In usual Linus fashion, you replied hours later, saying you'll never hate me.
I'm almost convinced that you do now. Because if you truly loved me (like you claim you do), you would have never done all those things to me, to our relationship. You would have never cheated, never lied, never stepped all over me. I was so certain that we'd last. Make it to the altar; make it to the end. Even after the first few times you hurt me, my certainty never wavered. Maybe I was scared to let go. I always told myself that that was never an option though. But now I realize that yes, maybe I was. Scared to let go. Of our relationship that only came to fruition after three years, on our second attempt. Of something I once thought was so perfect.
All the sleepless nights, the tears, the screaming, the missed calls and text messages... The sweet morning messages, the way you fall asleep sometimes in the bus on my shoulders, the cute sounds and faces you make to appease me, the way you kiss me... I love you. Too damn much. But, I can't.
Trust me when I say that I've never regretted a single day of being with you.
You'll always be my konstantine. And I have a constant (konstant) reminder of that on my left wrist, every single day of my life.