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havefaithinme ◀ Tuesday, July 02, 2013

I hate that it's only 10am. I hate that despite taking pills, I'm still unable to sleep properly at night. I hate waking up to this life. I hate that I still have to wait 11 days for your response, and I hate that you might not come back to me.

I used to think that my breakup with him was the hardest thing I had to go through. I used to think that I'd never love someone again. Then I met you. For the second time. Call it our honeymoon period, call it whatever you want, but the amount of love I had for you for the first month of our relationship was much more than I ever felt for him. And my love could only grow from there. Despite you screwing me over countless number of times, I forgave you, and we carried on with our relationship. Because I knew that you loved me the most and I still had faith in you. I'm so confused as to whether I should use past or present tense.

This past week has been hell. I wake up every morning, heart heavy, feeling like my whole world has changed. I don't wake up to your texts anymore, I don't fall asleep waiting for you to message me. Most of all, I don't have the sense of security I've had for the past three years.

You might not have been the perfect partner for me, and I to you, but I accepted you for who you are. I complained so much about you sometimes, but truth is - I love every part of you. I love every flaw on your body. Your nose hair that never keeps in your nose, your small petite mouth, your fatty tummy. I love how our fat noses always gets in each other's face when we kiss. Everything. I love your flaws because that's what makes you YOU. It's what makes us.

It's no hidden secret that after these two weeks, I want you to come back to me. Everyone knows how much I love you, how much I can overlook just to be with you again. I know that I'll get hurt again, but I'm willing to take every other blow, as long as you're by my side.

I feel like I'm losing you with each passing day. The thought hurts me and I can't stop crying. I don't want to lose you ever again.

I was reading through past blog entries and I found this gem:

23rd November 2010
T: I'm never going to let you go this time :(((((
L: Hold me tight then. Have heart ok? :)

That was when we first got back together and I realized how much I already loved you, how much more I could love you. "I said I'd never let you go and I never did." I'm still not letting go.